Tuesday, April 22, 2014

My polygraph test results

(for all who saw Sunday's "The Good Wife")

Q: Do you listen to Lea Michele daily?
A: Yes
Q:Are you looking forward to Mariah's new album?
A: Yes
Q: Did you take a bubble bath today?
A: Yes
Q:Did you choose the number 69?
A: Oh ya sweetie.
Q: Do you drink wine?
A: Yep
Q: Do you miss Toronto?
A: Yes

Results: GAY
lol

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

When the Gloves Come Off

My good friend Grant has just returned from living in Costa Rica for the last year and to celebrate we're going to see one of our favourite bands at the Phoenix Concert Theatre. I bought the tickets as a welcome home gift and also as a congratulations gift because he just got engaged.
Grant arrives at my place for some pre-drinks and he's distraught. He's lost his engagement ring in his luggage. I calm him down and tell him we can look for it later and that he can't let this ruin our night. To lighten the mood I tell him that next week I’m going into one of those medical studies for money.
“You know the ones that give you an experimental drug and take a bunch of your blood,” I explain, “I’m a guinea pig to the highest bidder.”
We get to the venue and midway through the performance we notice a hot guy checking us out. However, we didn't know which one of us he’s interested in so we call him over and start chatting.

In order to keep our tact in tact we decide to feel out who he likes instead of asking him outright. But we can’t tell. Grant is better with small talk so he's dominating guy’s time. I think the guy is into Grant more until Grant leaves us to go to the washroom.

“You’re being shy,” he says.
“I’m not really, it’s just that Grant's talking a lot.
“I like shy guys,” he responds and winks. However, when Grant gets back, they continue flirting.
After the concert, Grant invites the guy to join us at the bar we're going to, and he agrees. I pull Grant aside.
“What the hell are you doing?” I ask.
“What?” Grant says.
“You’re engaged.”
“My fiancĂ© said he doesn't care if I indulge while back in Canada.”
“Whatever. Let me have him.”
“Why?”
“You already have a man, don't be so greedy. Plus I think he likes me more.”
Grant laughs, “He's been talking to me all night, obvi he likes me.”
“I guess we'll find out by the end of the night,” I say and we head to the patio.
And that’s when the gloves came off.
The guy asks what I do. “I’m a student,” I begin to reply, but Grant cuts me off.
“Yes and to pay for school Jesse does medical studies for money. What’s the drug they’re testing on you this time?” Grant asks with an innocently inquisitive expression.
I’m shocked. I didn’t think such a good friend would throw me under the bus for a hookup. I didn’t want to stoop to his level, but he (ironically) drew blood first.
I smile and retort: “Has Grant mentioned that he’s engaged? And he loves his fiancĂ© so much that within hours of being back home, he’s lost the ring.”
Grant is furious and storms into the bar. I follow and we start arguing. A few minutes later we head back out to our table and guy is gone. There’s a 20-dollar bill on the table and note written on the back of the concert ticket stub. It reads: Congrats, you scared me off! Bye freaks!

We start laughing and realize how ridiculous our behaviour had been. We make up and head back to my apartment to try and find Grant’s ring.

Friday, April 4, 2014

My trans* woman friend posts a #cockinasock selfie and the internet goes bananas!

THE #COCKINASOCK CAMPAIGN AND WHO THEY’RE FORGETTING. Shannon Grooms talks to Samantha Lauzon about how the #cockinasock campaign further genders cancer, and what one trans* woman has to say about it.

Check out this link and read the article, see the picture, comment, like, forward it on, and become a part of this interesting and much need conversation. See below:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mrsdoodigans/the-cockinasock-campaign-and-who-theyre-forgetti-ni39



Thursday, March 20, 2014

Only a true friend would alert you to something like this!

***Warning - Explicit Content*** In other words, friends (with no sense of humour) and family DO NOT click the link!!

So, one of my best friends messaged me on Facebook the following:

Jesse..look at the first picture on this site. The bottom's face looks exactly like you!! http://pasiff.tumblr.com/post/54779895662

And he isn't wrong. LOL.




Monday, March 10, 2014

Dildos and Dil-don'ts

After arriving home from a night of barhopping in the small town they had just moved to, Max and his roommate Johnny stumble into their respective bedrooms to pass out. However, Max isn’t quite ready to sleep. He is extremely drunk and incredibly horny, so he pulls out his box of toys and fetches his dildo.

The next thing Max remembers is waking up the next morning. He sees the box of toys beside his bed and it triggers a faint memory the prior night. He begins to clean up when he notices that the dildo isn’t on the bed or under it. He checks the box but can’t find it. He checks the floors and in his on-suite bathroom, but no dildo. He glances at himself in the mirror and it is in that moment he realizes there is only one other place it could be; the dildo was inside of him.

He rushes to his roommate’s room and wakes him up.

“I think you’re going to have to take me to the emergency room,” he says and explains the situation.

Johnny is in shock and although he’s concerned, he’s also trying his best not to laugh. He keeps a level head and says, “You just got a job at that hospital, do you really want to have this as your first
impression!”
“Well, what should I do? It’s the only ER within miles.”

They take some time to think about it and after a while Max calms down.
Johnny suggests that they go to breakfast, “It’ll get your bowels moving and maybe the dildo will naturally come out.”

They walk to a local diner and order food and, of course, coffee, orange juice and water.
Halfway through their meal Max is talking to Johnny when, mid-sentence, he stops and charges for the washroom. When he comes back to the table he starts eating again as if nothing happened.

“Umm, hello? What happened? Did it come out? Johnny asks.
“Yeah,” Max replies.

“Did it hurt?”

“No, it kinda just slipped out.”

“I hope that teaches you not to use toys when you’re plastered.”

“Oh I’ve definitely learned my dil-dos and dil-don’ts,” Max says and they both laugh.

Johnny notices water flooding from under the washroom door.

“Wait a minute,” Johnny says, “where did you put the dildo?”
“I flushed it,” Max responds.

“Are you nuts!”

“What?” Max says, “It was a skinny one.”

Johnny points over to the water slowly pooling into the diner.

“Oh shit!” Max says and they quickly drop some cash to cover the bill, and swiftly exit.