Thursday, May 22, 2014

Grindr Profile Pic FAILS Part 3

I've turned to the dark side! I know I've previously stated that I believe Grindr has ruined the future for gay male relationships, but if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

Since I've been on Grindr I've seen many hot guys with enticing pics. However, some of the profile pics are simply ridiculous and made me laugh so I decided to share it with you. Enjoy! PS. I took the liberty to add some commentary (of course! lol).

OK, this guy went out on Halloween wearing this costume (sissy that caveman!) and didn't get laid. So, why the hell did he think it would make for a successful Grindr profile pic??!!



What's this fool looking for: a girls night or a Grindr trick?



I have no problem with shamelessly promoting your art but this is the wrong venue. I doubt your portrait of the man who defecates and sleeps in the stairwell of your building will inspire guys to message you.




Tuesday, April 22, 2014

My polygraph test results

(for all who saw Sunday's "The Good Wife")

Q: Do you listen to Lea Michele daily?
A: Yes
Q:Are you looking forward to Mariah's new album?
A: Yes
Q: Did you take a bubble bath today?
A: Yes
Q:Did you choose the number 69?
A: Oh ya sweetie.
Q: Do you drink wine?
A: Yep
Q: Do you miss Toronto?
A: Yes

Results: GAY
lol

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

When the Gloves Come Off

My good friend Grant has just returned from living in Costa Rica for the last year and to celebrate we're going to see one of our favourite bands at the Phoenix Concert Theatre. I bought the tickets as a welcome home gift and also as a congratulations gift because he just got engaged.
Grant arrives at my place for some pre-drinks and he's distraught. He's lost his engagement ring in his luggage. I calm him down and tell him we can look for it later and that he can't let this ruin our night. To lighten the mood I tell him that next week I’m going into one of those medical studies for money.
“You know the ones that give you an experimental drug and take a bunch of your blood,” I explain, “I’m a guinea pig to the highest bidder.”
We get to the venue and midway through the performance we notice a hot guy checking us out. However, we didn't know which one of us he’s interested in so we call him over and start chatting.

In order to keep our tact in tact we decide to feel out who he likes instead of asking him outright. But we can’t tell. Grant is better with small talk so he's dominating guy’s time. I think the guy is into Grant more until Grant leaves us to go to the washroom.

“You’re being shy,” he says.
“I’m not really, it’s just that Grant's talking a lot.
“I like shy guys,” he responds and winks. However, when Grant gets back, they continue flirting.
After the concert, Grant invites the guy to join us at the bar we're going to, and he agrees. I pull Grant aside.
“What the hell are you doing?” I ask.
“What?” Grant says.
“You’re engaged.”
“My fiancé said he doesn't care if I indulge while back in Canada.”
“Whatever. Let me have him.”
“Why?”
“You already have a man, don't be so greedy. Plus I think he likes me more.”
Grant laughs, “He's been talking to me all night, obvi he likes me.”
“I guess we'll find out by the end of the night,” I say and we head to the patio.
And that’s when the gloves came off.
The guy asks what I do. “I’m a student,” I begin to reply, but Grant cuts me off.
“Yes and to pay for school Jesse does medical studies for money. What’s the drug they’re testing on you this time?” Grant asks with an innocently inquisitive expression.
I’m shocked. I didn’t think such a good friend would throw me under the bus for a hookup. I didn’t want to stoop to his level, but he (ironically) drew blood first.
I smile and retort: “Has Grant mentioned that he’s engaged? And he loves his fiancé so much that within hours of being back home, he’s lost the ring.”
Grant is furious and storms into the bar. I follow and we start arguing. A few minutes later we head back out to our table and guy is gone. There’s a 20-dollar bill on the table and note written on the back of the concert ticket stub. It reads: Congrats, you scared me off! Bye freaks!

We start laughing and realize how ridiculous our behaviour had been. We make up and head back to my apartment to try and find Grant’s ring.

Friday, April 4, 2014

My trans* woman friend posts a #cockinasock selfie and the internet goes bananas!

THE #COCKINASOCK CAMPAIGN AND WHO THEY’RE FORGETTING. Shannon Grooms talks to Samantha Lauzon about how the #cockinasock campaign further genders cancer, and what one trans* woman has to say about it.

Check out this link and read the article, see the picture, comment, like, forward it on, and become a part of this interesting and much need conversation. See below:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mrsdoodigans/the-cockinasock-campaign-and-who-theyre-forgetti-ni39



Thursday, March 20, 2014

Only a true friend would alert you to something like this!

***Warning - Explicit Content*** In other words, friends (with no sense of humour) and family DO NOT click the link!!

So, one of my best friends messaged me on Facebook the following:

Jesse..look at the first picture on this site. The bottom's face looks exactly like you!! http://pasiff.tumblr.com/post/54779895662

And he isn't wrong. LOL.




Monday, March 10, 2014

Dildos and Dil-don'ts

After arriving home from a night of barhopping in the small town they had just moved to, Max and his roommate Johnny stumble into their respective bedrooms to pass out. However, Max isn’t quite ready to sleep. He is extremely drunk and incredibly horny, so he pulls out his box of toys and fetches his dildo.

The next thing Max remembers is waking up the next morning. He sees the box of toys beside his bed and it triggers a faint memory the prior night. He begins to clean up when he notices that the dildo isn’t on the bed or under it. He checks the box but can’t find it. He checks the floors and in his on-suite bathroom, but no dildo. He glances at himself in the mirror and it is in that moment he realizes there is only one other place it could be; the dildo was inside of him.

He rushes to his roommate’s room and wakes him up.

“I think you’re going to have to take me to the emergency room,” he says and explains the situation.

Johnny is in shock and although he’s concerned, he’s also trying his best not to laugh. He keeps a level head and says, “You just got a job at that hospital, do you really want to have this as your first
impression!”
“Well, what should I do? It’s the only ER within miles.”

They take some time to think about it and after a while Max calms down.
Johnny suggests that they go to breakfast, “It’ll get your bowels moving and maybe the dildo will naturally come out.”

They walk to a local diner and order food and, of course, coffee, orange juice and water.
Halfway through their meal Max is talking to Johnny when, mid-sentence, he stops and charges for the washroom. When he comes back to the table he starts eating again as if nothing happened.

“Umm, hello? What happened? Did it come out? Johnny asks.
“Yeah,” Max replies.

“Did it hurt?”

“No, it kinda just slipped out.”

“I hope that teaches you not to use toys when you’re plastered.”

“Oh I’ve definitely learned my dil-dos and dil-don’ts,” Max says and they both laugh.

Johnny notices water flooding from under the washroom door.

“Wait a minute,” Johnny says, “where did you put the dildo?”
“I flushed it,” Max responds.

“Are you nuts!”

“What?” Max says, “It was a skinny one.”

Johnny points over to the water slowly pooling into the diner.

“Oh shit!” Max says and they quickly drop some cash to cover the bill, and swiftly exit.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Grindr Profile Pic FAILS Part 2

OK so I've turned to the dark side! I know I've previously stated that I believe Grindr has ruined the future for gay male relationships, but if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

Since I've been on Grindr I've seen many hot guys with enticing pics. However, some of the profile pics are simply ridiculous and made me laugh so I decided to share it with you. Enjoy! PS. I took the liberty to add some commentary (of course! lol).

#1 - So Grindr! Everyone shows off their hot body and hides their face. This guy killed two birds with one stone ... and my boner. LOL



#2 - Ok, I like older guys, too, but to make your profile pic a CPR doll? How fucking old are you trying to attract? So old you want them to know you can bring them back to life.
Well, you know what I always say: I like a man with one arm in a good investment and one foot in the grave. LOL


#3- read below ...


... obvi your mom was "testing" other substances during the pregnancy, too. Why would you use this for a profile pic! LOL. I'm such a mean gurl! But you love it ;)

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Grindr Profile Pic FAILS

OK so I've turned to the dark side! I know I've previously stated that I believe Grindr has ruined the future for gay male relationships, but if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

Since I've been on Grindr I've seen many hot guys with enticing pics. However, some of the profile pics are simply ridiculous and made me laugh so I decided to share it with you. Enjoy! PS. I took the liberty to add some commentary (of course! lol).

#1 - WTF is this?! Obvi it's not the guy's actual pic but why on earth would he use it? I can only figure he's trying to tell his suitors that he cries when he cums.



#2 - Now I know Frozen is like the #1 movie right now, but come on!

 #3 - See below ...



... mine stores it fine. Try again.



Monday, January 13, 2014

Meanwhile, In Mexico

My friend Steve and I are in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico! We decided to escape Toronto so Steve could escape his boyfriend, and I could escape the fact I can’t get one.

We spend the day bathing in the sun, swimming, day drinking, and flirting with hot men in tiny bathing suits. I meet a hottie from Texas and we hit it off. Steve is busy chatting and making friends so I sneak away with the Texan, and we head back to my room. 

Since I was too cheap to buy Dukoral before the trip, my priority is to use the washroom. Apparently I’m not alone in this quest because as soon as we get in the room the Texan asks to use the toilet. I oblige thinking I can hold it. I try to hold it standing up. I try to hold it pacing back and forth. I try to hold it sitting down. Nothing is working and this is coming whether I like it or not.

It’s time for Plan B-athroom.

I run down the hall and see another room’s door open with the maid’s cart outside the door. Obviously it's being turned down after a check out. I look around and don't see the maid, so I creep in.

"Hello?" I say without getting a response.

I run into the washroom and jump on the toilet without shutting the door or turning on any lights. All of a sudden I can't go. I sit and feel the gasses in my stomach building up. It hurts so I put my elbows on my knees and my face in my open palms. My head is ringing from the drunkenness.

Suddenly, the light flicks on and I see a maid come in facing the opposite direction. The toilet is in an alcove to the side, so she doesn’t notice me.

I raise my hand to notify her, "excuse me Miss," I say politely.

"Oh mi dios!" she screams as she turns to see me. 

"I'm so sorry…" I try to say, but at that exact moment my bowels decide to release. 

The diarrhea version of the A-bomb echoes thorough the small room and a stench immediately follows like a diffusion of raw sewage filling the room the same way eyes well up with tears. The maid screams and falls backwards grabbing the shower curtain taking it down with her. As she's tangled in the curtain, I pull my pants up and make a run for it before she can get a clear look at me.

When I return to my room, the Texan is gone. I go in the washroom and clean up my mess. This is definitely the first time I won’t be bitching that I got ditched on a date.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Some awesome feedback from a fan ...

I'm so appreciative when a fan takes the time to praise me! It makes me proud and I feel like an accomplished and important writer. This person even invited me to visit his website ... and I'm back on the D-list. LOL. See below.

Oh the company I keep.


Sunday, December 15, 2013

A Sunday Online During the Holidays

It's a cold grey Sunday afternoon in November and I'm home alone with nothing to do and nowhere to go. My friends are all busy and, big shocker, I have no boyfriend. I can admit that I'm lonely. No one wants to spend the holiday season alone, so I decide to spend some time on Plenty of Fish to maybe meet someone. In a festive spirit I pour a glass of eggnog with rum.
After perusing through a bunch profiles, I get a message. It's from a really good-looking guy wearing a purple football jersey. His message is short, basically saying hi. After some back and forth chat he messages: "Can u fart loud?! Haha :)”

WTF?! Maybe he's kidding, so I play along. I respond, "What r u into? lol."

He replies, "Hahahahaha dudes who are dudes. I want to find a boyfriend who won't mind ripping one in front of me. :p hot."

"Flatulence makes you manly? Lol," I ask.

"Lol not me. But a dude yup. Hot."
And with that, I move on. I pour a next drink, this one slightly stronger than the last.
Next I get a message from another handsome guy. It reads: “I think you should let me pound your ass.”

His presumptuous attitude makes me laugh. 

“This is POF not craigslist,” I reply.

“So?” he replies.

“So, I'm not looking for that.”

“I’m not either,” he replies.

Oh sure I think not buying into this guy’s crap. 

“I'm looking for dating,” I reply.

“Ok. Let me come fuck you and then I’ll take you to a movie.”
I get up from my laptop to start dinner and leave this guy hanging for a few minutes. When I get back to my screen I see he’s left a few more messages. He’s either engaging in dirty talk or suggesting some other movies we could see, and I have very little faith that it’s the latter. He writes: “Btw don’t just not reply, I don’t like that.” 

I guess he got pissed that I didn’t respond quickly enough. He continues, “LOL just because I want to be intimate with you doesn’t mean I’ve been intimate with anyone on POF. Furthermore, that comment you made was very insensitive. I am no sex-crazed, cum obsessed fiend. I feel like you have a lot of hang-ups.”
What is going on here? When did I call this guy sex-crazed? And now he’s going all Dr. Phil on me saying I’ve got hang-ups! Just before I respond I hear the noodles boiling over and I jump up to attend to it. Back at my laptop I see one final message. Prince Charming parts with: “You may now feel free to not respond since you’ve hurt my feelings.”
I've had enough. What is wrong with people? I log off of POF and head to the kitchen to finish preparing my meal. I top off my eggnog with rum and do a holiday cheers to myself.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

OPEN CALL! I need your stories!


I need your help

OPEN CALL!!!

 If you have a bad date story (or bad sex blunder, weird internet endeavour, grindr mishap, whatever) private message me to be featured on my blog "I Shaved My Ass for This?" 

When I get your msg I will contact you to get the full story. I change names, etc in order to protect identities.

Message me on here or at jessetra@hotmail.com

http://ishavedassforthis.blogspot.ca/

Saturday, November 16, 2013

The True Love Cafe


It’s 9 a.m. on a Friday morning and I’m nursing a hangover while staring into a plate of soggy eggs. I have to be at work in less than an hour but don’t care. I slowly replay the disastrous events of the night before in my head and I’m immobile, just staring down at my plate. I snap out of my daze when a homeless man taps on the window beside me asking for change. Sitting in a sketchy café at Sherbourne and Dundas Streets I begin to sob uncontrollably into my breakfast. How the hell did I end up here?

The Night Before

The Peaches concert is coming to an end and my friend Franz and some of his friends shuffle out early to avoid the rush. Robert, a cute, single guy, and the one Franz is trying to set me up with, offers up his place for an after party. He didn’t pay any attention to me during the concert so I assume he’s not interested, which is fine because I recently had my heart broken and wasn’t too keen on getting back into the game. 

Around 3 a.m. the booze and dope runs out and as the bunch of us leave, Robert unexpectedly grabs my arm saying: “You’re not going anywhere,” and pulls me back into his apartment.

Things are getting hot and heavy as we fall off his couch and onto his living room floor. With Robert on his back I pull down his pants and start to give him head. I look up at him and he’s moaning with his eyes closed. A few minutes later I realize the moaning has stopped and he’s starting to go soft. I look up again and his head is slumped to the side. I watch his nostrils vibrate as he begins to snore. The fucker is out cold!

When I slap him back to consciousness he stands up and stumbles into his bedroom.  I ask him to set an alarm because I have to work in the morning, so he gets out of bed, walks over to his CD player, pushes a random button and falls back into bed cocooning himself with the blanket. I lay down beside him with no blanket or pillow and close my eyes thinking whoever said “the best way to meet a guy is through a friend” was full of shit.

The next morning I miraculously wake up at 8 a.m. to find Robert sitting on the end of the bed looking like death. He has no coffee, no cigarettes, and no interest in me. I figure he either doesn’t remember a thing from last night or he does remember and is embarrassed. Either way I need to get the hell out of here. We say goodbye and I head out for the nearest coffee shop. A few blocks away I reach one, but instead of a dingy Coffee Time that I’d expect in this area, I’m at the True Love Café.

“Irony at its best,” I whisper shaking my head.

Inside, the maroon and purple walls, eclectic tables, and cow-skin chairs make me want to vomit but I decide to get breakfast to lessen my gut-rot.

When my sobbing subsides, I leave True Love with just a little bit of my dignity still on the table. I consider it an acceptable loss because it isn’t the events of last night that I cried for; it was baggage from my ex that I finally released. What happened last night is going to make a great story to tell my friends over drinks while I keep trudging along for a great guy, or at least one that’s awake.

That’s the beauty and torture of being single.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Prince Charming


It's a hot mid-summer Saturday night at Fly nightclub and I’m out trying to forget about a guy named James. It’s one of those situations where I like him more than he likes me. I check my phone and he hasn’t text or called, so I head up to the second floor to look for my friends. I round the bathrooms and bounce up the main staircase. Suddenly my sandal flies off and falls under the big metal staircase, and there’s no way to get under. My sandal is trapped. I see Sonja, the head of security (I think?) and grab her attention. I explain what happened.

"Why the hell are you wearin' flip flops to a club?" Sonja yells at me.

"It's summer," I yell back in defence, although she is right.

She rolls her eyes and leaves. She comes back with a long pole thingy and fetches my sandal. I thank her and she rushes off. I check my phone again but still nothing from James.

Upstairs I can’t find my friends so I head back down. Halfway down the staircase I think I hear my name, so I quickly turn and my sandal goes flying under the stairs again. Fuck!

"That's sucks," says a voice behind me.

I turn to see a handsome guy. We descend to the bottom of the stairs and chat. Just then, I see Sonja again and flag her down. I tell her it happened again and she storms past me saying she's in the middle of a situation and that I’ll have to wait a while.

“I’ll wait with you,” the guy says.

“Well aren’t you Prince Charming,” I say with a smile.

I finally get my sandal back and we head out to get a midnight snack. When the bill comes Prince Charming grabs it and refuses to let me pay.
Outside it’s raining. “I’m taking a cab north,” Prince Charming says. “How are you getting home?”
“I’m not far,” I reply, “I’ll walk.”

“Here take this,” he says reaching into his bag and hands me an umbrella.

I try to decline but he insists. A cab pulls up and we part ways.
As I walk home in the rain, I check my phone again and there’s still no contact from James. Why is it that I just spent the night with a handsome guy who treated me so good yet all I could think about is this other apathetic guy?

It’s not until I get home that I realize Prince Charming and I didn’t even exchange numbers. I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

I realize that there is something about Prince Charming that the fairy tales left out. He does exist and will eventually come along, but you may be in no emotional state to receive him. 

Thanks for the umbrella, Prince Charming, wherever you are.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Age ain't nothing but a ... deal breaker.

So I was chatting with Jack Smith, a cute young guy, on Facebook when the convo gets cut short because I'm old. Age ain't nothing but a number my ass!

Friday, October 18, 2013

Picking Up the Bill


Luis picks up Billy at the bar and they drink and dance together all night. After last call they walk to the Golden Griddle for some food. About an hour later they ask for the bills and plan to go to Luis’s place. 

Suddenly, Billy asks,  “Before we go, are you a top?”

“I’m a bottom,” Luis answers.

“Oh, so am I,” Billy replies and an awkward silence follows.

The waitress brings the bills, sets them down, and walks away. 

“Well I think you should get my bill,” Billy says sliding his across the table.

Luis laughs and says, “Why, because I hit on you first tonight? 

“No, because you’re a bottom, too and didn’t tell me. You wasted my time tonight.”
Luis laughs again but realizes Billy isn’t kidding. 

“Absolutely not!” Luis responds in shock. 

“OK, whatever.”

The waitress returns and Luis pays his bill in cash. 

“I have to pay by debit,” Billy explains. 

“OK, you do that,” Luis says getting up and taking the opportunity to escape.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

In Sickness and in Health


Steve rushes home from work early because he’s ill and heads straight for the bathroom. Let’s just say that no amount of Tums or Imodium can save him now. He crawls into bed but an hour of tossing and turning later, Steve can’t get to sleep. Boredom sets in and he decides to check out who’s on Grindr. He obviously had no intention of meeting anyone, but it is something to 
pass the time.

A guy messages with the usual questions like “u a top? how hung r u?” 

Steve responds and also adds that he’s not feeling well and isn’t looking for right now.

After that response Steve waited for a "feel better soon" message from the guy. Instead he responds, "what r u into?”

“Well for starters, not puking on ur cock,” Steve replies thinking the message is clearly conveyed.

“So are u alone?” the guy replies.

Since this guy isn’t getting it, Steve decides to tell it like it is.

“When I say sick, I mean I've been vomiting and have explosive diarrhea.”

The guy replies, “so do you want your dick sucked or not?”

Steve thinks to himself: I’m vomiting, shitting, and I haven't showered, yet this guy still wants to come over! Unbelievable. 

Steve logs off realizing that Grindr at the moment is a mistake, and turns on the TV instead, which he should have done in the first place.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

15 Reasons to Beware


Drew orders popcorn and turns to see his date across the theatre talking with some friends who are walking by. Drew had met Dan online and didn’t quite see why this 19-year-old was interested in him, seeing as he is 35, but he thought he’d give it a shot. 

As Drew approached Dan, his friends were leaving and Drew heard one of them say to Dan, “see you in home period tomorrow.”

Drew instantly clues in. Home period? OMG Dan is in high school. Drew confronts Dan.

“Tell me the truth, how old are you?”
Dan confesses that he’s 15. “But I’ll be 16 in a few months” he says.

Later when Drew is telling me the story, he’s really upset. “How could I have been so stupid? But teenagers look so much older nowadays!”

“You’re going to have to start carding them at the door,” I joke.

“It’s no joke. These young liars on the internet can potentially get older men into a lot of trouble.”

“Please don’t tell me you still went to the movie,” I say.

“No, I went down to guest services and returned the tickets. Then I lectured the kid on how wrong his actions were. Come to think of it, I should have clued in when he shied away from seeing anything rated R.”