The Breast Feeder

Peter is new to Toronto and has ventured online to try and meet new people. Naturally, he gets off on the wrong foot, which is bad news for him but great news for me (I’m shameless!).

At brunch Peter continues the story, he says: “So I message this guy and we’re messaging. He had a couple of good pics, you know how people pick really good pictures of themselves? But anyway, he was cute, blonde, and younger, which is totally my type.”

“What a unique palette you have,” I quip.

Peter doesn’t notice and continues: “Soon after, we actually meet up and start hanging out a lot.”

After a while things were OK but then Peter started noticing that the guy was really clingy, “like you know, texting and freaking out and this and that,” Peter says.

He could feel that the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere.

“So I used him for his car for about another week,” Peter says jokingly.

I laugh.

“I had groceries to do, alright?” Peter jokes again (I think).

About three weeks into it, Peter was bored so he decided to creep the guy’s Facebook a little further.

“You know how you can view profile pictures but then you can get into a person’s albums, well the guy had a ton of albums,” Peter says.

One album was recently posted and was full of pictures of the guy with the two new kittens he just bought.

“The first picture was of him and a cat … suckling on his tit,” Peter says.

I’m speechless so Peter continues.

“I thought, OK that’s kind of weird- hahaha, anyone would think that’s funny, the cat thought it was a teat. But I clicked on to the next picture, same thing. Next picture, two cats! And the album just kept going and going. There’s like 60 pictures of this as if it were an event!”

This creeped Peter out so he logged off and ignored the guy’s texts and calls for the rest of the evening.

The next day, the guy called and Peter finally answered. He had to ask what was up with that breastfeeding album of pictures.

The guy laughed and said that one day while shirtless in bed with the kittens, they came to cuddle and started kneading. Then they just started suckling and he just thought it was the funniest thing ever.

Peter clearly did not.

“I must have no sense of humour,” Peter tells me, “because apparently the two lesbians the guy lives with thought it was hilarious, too.”

I burst out laughing. “Of course they did,” I say.

“The lezbos thought it was great that the man was being tittified,” Peter jokes.

“It’s not that big of a deal,” I say, “I mean it’s odd, but it’s a far cry from bestiality.”

Over the next two weeks other things about this guy started to get on Peter’s last nerve, so he called him up and dumped him. The guy cried on the phone, which Peter thought was overboard given they’d only been dating for just over a month. So, to appease the sad fellow, Peter lied.

“I pulled the whole bullshit thing that I’m not over my last boyfriend and continuing with him isn’t right because my heart is in a different place. You know that kind of crap.”

Peter is still single and looking for love in Toronto although I highly doubt he’ll be getting a cat anytime soon.