RE-POST: Wow it's been a year since i worte this...

... and not much has changed!! LOL. I'm re-posting this today for Vday and I'll be posting a hilarious NEW entry in a day or two.
Happy Vday everyone.

Feb 20, 2011

The Tribunal of Love and Happiness

Mount Olympus

Athens, Greece

C.c. Aphrodite

Dear Cupid,

What is your fucking problem!?

As I’m wading through my annual post-Valentine’s depression it occurs to me that it’s not solely my bad luck with men keeping me single, I might just have an enemy lurking in the midst.

You clearly harbor a grudge against me.

I get it. You probably think that I am unbearable to work with, and right fully so, I mean look at all the times I’ve wasted your offerings.

I’ve never had a problem getting a date but as soon as I’m on one and sitting in front of the guy, I can’t seem to feel a spark. You know that spark that ignites when you first meet a guy and U2’s I Still Haven’t Found what I’m Looking For suddenly stops playing in your head.

I don’t feel that a lot. So, is it just me or is the spark a delicate and rare thing for most of your clients? That’s my argument to you before you put away the arrows, and give up on me completely.

There are guys out there that seem to get that spark with every guy they meet. You know the type I’m talking about; we all have those friends that we secretly hate because while you’ve been single for a year after your last breakup, this bastard is in a new relationship before the first teardrop hits the floor.

And that’s just not me.

Do you have any little blue pills for a low spark-bido in that bag of tricks? If so, lace your next arrow please.

From what I’ve noticed I seem to have love in four year intervals. Since coming out at 20 years old I have only been in love twice. The first was when I was 22, then I was single for years (with a hundred million dates and short relationships in between), and then finally the second spark arrived just after I turned 26. And after four years of on-again off-again turbulence, Love #2 is now over, leaving me single and 30.

Let’s do the math: two sparks in 10 years. Two loves out of a gazillion offerings.

I’m the one who can write a blog and a column based on all the crap you’ve thrown my way! So screw you Cupid for being mad at me! You’re the one slacking. Maybe you should spend less time begrudging me, and more time sharpening your arrows.

OK so now that I’ve vented, I propose a remedy. Can we call a truce? Let’s both commit to working harder to ensure my odds go up in my thirties. And please, please, please don't leave me dry until 34 for my next love.

Sincerely,

Jesse