I Do Not Hook Up

Kevin and his boyfriend, Randy, are curled up on the couch for a night in. Just after midnight, Randy’s roommate bursts in half drunk and escorts a guy into his bedroom.

The roommate wonders back into the living room and starts chatting and laughing with Randy as if they had a dirty little secret.

Kevin asks what’s going on and Randy finally tells him. The roommate had got an STD from some trick last weekend and he still hasn’t treated it yet.

“And you’re going to spread it to this guy now?” Kevin asks the roommate.

“Oh, it’s just an STD.”

"It's STI now," Kevin corrects him.

"What?" The roommate responds.

"It's not termed STD anymore, it's STI because they're not sexually transmitted diseases, they're infections."

"What's the diff," the guy asked.

"Infections are curable, so things like Chlamydia and Syphilis shouldn't be termed diseases."

“Exactly. So who cares,” the roommate says and goes back to the bedroom.

Kevin is in shock. He’s also pissed at his boyfriend for thinking this was funny.

Kevin quickly realized that even though infections are curable, some people's ditchpig behaviour was not.

A few days later, Kevin is telling us the story over lunch.

“This is exactly why I don’t do one night stands anymore,” I explain, “because most times I’d always get something. And now with Grindr I’m sure guys are even worse.”

“What have you had?” Kevin asks.

“Do we have to talk about this over lunch?” Matt says.

“Well you're free to get a table for yourself,” Kevin says.

“I might just do that. I've never had an STI,” Matt replies.

“Hence the table for one,” Kevin quips.

“Well you’re really lucky you haven’t had to deal with an STI,” I say to Matt.

“What have you had?” Kevin asks me again.

“I’ve had crabs, and the worst was gonorrhea.”

“Oh big deal,” Kevin says.

“It is a big deal. Have you had it?” I say.

“No.”

“Exactly,” I state.

“So you don’t have sex because of this.”

“No, I just don’t do randoms anymore.”

“You can still get an STI from a guy you’re dating,” Matt adds.

“Well if that happens I’ll have to deal, but at least I can control it more.”

Kevin and Matt give one another “whatever” glances.

“If that helps you sleep at night. You’re being ridiculous,” Kevin says.

“Yeah well get back to me when your dick is spewing green shit like Linda fuckin' Blair!”

 

Just then Matt’s Eggs Benedict comes smothered in creamy green guacamole-hollandaise sauce. Kevin and I can’t help but laugh, but Matt looks queasy. “OK, someone is switching lunch with me,” Matt demands.