Tuesday, January 22, 2013


There was yelling, door slamming, and there was crying. This was the scene during the hour-long breakup I had with Eric. We’d only been dating for about three months but he had apparently fallen for me, and hard. I could tell because this breakup was supposed to be quick and easy, I didn’t expect it to be so dramatic.

When Eric finally left I felt guilty because he was a sweet guy, I just wasn’t feeling a spark. However, I felt relieved because it was finally over. Little did I know the sparks were about to start flying.


Eric’s first act of revenge is a slew of online pettiness. He trash talks me in Facebook statuses and quickly takes down pictures of us from his albums. I’m bothered a little but brush it off because it’s so immature. Then I notice some of our mutual friends that I had met through him begin to defriend me. For most of them I say good riddance, but there are a few I’ll miss, dammit. 

A few days later, it escalates from the online world into reality. One night out a bar security asks me to leave and are tight-lipped about why. As I am escorted out, I see Eric in the corner with a smirk on his face and I remember that one of his good friends is the owner. This is ridiculous!

Outside I start to blow up his phone with texts and voice messages, some politely asking him to stop, but eventually they became angry tirades threatening to sue his crazy ass for harassment or something.
On my walk home I pass a big pink mattress propped up against a fence and it has huge shit stains all over it. Eww, as if I need to see that right now. What is wrong with people! Is everyone psycho? I keep walking, shaking my head at how horrible the night turned out.

I get home and crawl into bed. Dealing with all this drama is exhausting. I thought about the shit-stained mattress and giggle as I doze off thinking how people can be so fucked up.

The next morning I wake up to the sound of my phone. It’s my friend wanting to go to lunch. As we’re walking, I’m filling him in on the craziness my ex was doing when I’m stopped dead in my tracks.

"OMG!" I yelp. Across the street is the soiled mattress only now someone had spray painted "Jesse T's mattress" across it!

We cross the street and I ask my friend to help me move it.

"Eww, hell no," he screams back in a panic.
"I'm not touching it!"

I go to move it but my friend stops me.

"Don't touch it! It probably has bed bugs."

"Well, I can't just leave it!"

"Here," he says handing me the issue of Xtra! he's carrying. "Use this."

I grab the newspaper and use it to push the mattress forward. My friend screams like a girl and jumps backwards out of the way. The mattress slumps over with a loud thud. During all the commotion we didn't realize the large crowd that had gathered. They were all pointing and laughing. A few people were taking pictures and filming the incident with their camera phones.

I am mortified and fuming with rage. "I swear to God if I ever see Eric again I am going to literally murder him!"

Just then, a guy who was filming said out loud, "I don't know who Jesse T is, but he and his scat mattress just made it on to Youtube."


I jump out of my sleep so high I smack my head off of the shelf above my bed. It was only a nightmare. The mattress incident didn’t really happen. Thank God.

I notice a missed text on my cell from Eric at 3:15 a.m. It reads: "I hate you!"

Oh crap, I think as I hold my throbbing head.

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